


No Scrubs

by lgbtmagik



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Gen, I'm so sorry, M/M, No Scrub, Richie Tozier is a Little Shit, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, TLC, this is so dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:48:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lgbtmagik/pseuds/lgbtmagik
Summary: Another Richie Tozier bit that's not very funny but hey, when is Richie Tozier ever funny?
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 4
Kudos: 105





	No Scrubs

**Author's Note:**

> it's dumb, i know

Richie Tozier is an annoying husband. Eddie Tozier is an annoyed husband. No one knows how they make it work.

“I blame the first time this happened on Beverly Marsh. You know the one, half of you are wearing her clothes tonight. She and I go way back, like before the dawn of time. Sometimes I think we were cavemen together. I’ll look at like, I don’t know, a dog or something and she’s calling me to tell me she’s creating a dog line,”

There’s some trickling of laughter, and Richie uses that time to sip the cup of water by him. He always forgets how hot it is on stage. The sweater he was wearing didn’t help.

“Anyway, she sends me a playlist of songs we used to bounce to in the nineties. We’d hop in her Toyota and blaze to music parked in the local supermarket parking lot. I know ‘blaze’ is out of style buttake one look at my outfit and tell me I know what style is,”

Richie motions to what he’s wearing. A vibrant patterned sweater that rolled out of a Forever 21 catalog and skinny jeans. He wishes he could say the network made him wear it, but this was his choice…

“So I’m listening to these hits while sitting in my office. It’s got the best of the best. I’m talking I Swear, Kiss From A Rose… Fuck, half the Backstreet Boys discography was on that playlist. Then out of nowhere, I was hit with the golden goose egg I can’t believe I forgot. When I go to hell, me forgetting this song will be the first item on the list.”

“What’s the song?” The voice is very faint, all the way in the back of the nosebleed seats. Richie smiles as he points to the area where it came from.

“Glad you asked. No Scrubs by TLC. I can tell you that TLC knew exactly what the human race needed when that song was created. They dug into teenage Richie’s brain and saw exactly what I wanted to hear. I knew that song beat for beat. As soon as it came on, I was blowing the sound system in Beverly’s car. Because of that, all of my friends know this song too,”

“Even the love of my life, Eddie ’Smart Doctor’ Kaspbrak.”

Richie raises one eyebrows and smiles like an evil child. He sees lightbulbs go off in many minds across the room.

“Let me go on a small side path, just for a moment. Follow along beside me,” Richie takes the mic out of the stand and moves it to the side.

“My husband has been a doctor for many years. We went to UCLA (silent for the small roar in the crowd) together when we moved out of our town. I went into music while Eds went into the medical field. He was so cute with his little stethoscope and white sneakers. I wanted to carry him in my pocket like he was a pen or something. Anyway, he did his years and years of practice and everything. Now he goes to work every day and saves lives while I tell jokes like once a week,”

“He hates it when he checks on patients and they’re watching my specials. He’ll come home all scrunched faced and mumble about how his patients laughed at my dumb jokes and it made his job harder. I don’t know the correlation, but he claims it’s connected,”

He feels his phone buzz in his pocket and he just knows it’s the devil himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Eddie standing there. It’s obvious he just got off work and he’s texting him to let him know he’s here.

“So every morning, I get the absolute gift of seeing my husband get ready. Slicked back hair, groomed beard, white socks… and my favorite part is, of course, the maroon scrubs.”

Cut to the soft laughter that grows. Richie’s smirk is unparalleled.

“Back to my story. I’m home after listening to No Scrubs on repeat for hours. Dinner is made, dogs are taken care of, and I know my loving husband will be home soon. He walks through the door and beelines for me. Eds has this cute expression where it’s half a smile, half a dead look. Usually happens when he’s home after a long day. Before he even sees me, he can hear what’s playing in the kitchen. That half smile drops to full dead look.”

“You’re fucking kidding me, he says as he lays eyes on me. I wish I could say this was unwarranted. Instead, I look back at him and say with the most straight expression, don’t try hollerin at me. I don’t date scrubs.”

Richie can’t tell if he’s actually funny, but giggles spill out as he remembers the incident. Amongst the laughter from the crowd, he can hear a sigh from the side. Yeah, Eddie was definitely here.

“God bless my husband for sticking by me no matter what. Like, thank god it was in our vows because that shit is legally bound. He’s stuck with me during my No Scrubs phases. I’m stuck with him during no-coffee mornings,”

“The next week is filled with every reference you could think of. The last straw was by far, the greatest moment of my love life. Our mailboxes are down in the parking garage under our complex. I went downstairs to get the mail and also seem like I had done something that day. Turns out Eddie had gotten off work early, and was pulling into the parking garage as I was walking back to the stairs. He rolls down the window of his Escalade, all hot shit in his getup. He starts to speak but all I can say while holding out mail is ‘Hanging out the passenger side of his husband’s ride, tryin to holler at me.’ Monotone, straight face, walks right back up to the apartment.”

He takes another gulp of his water and fixes his sweater quickly. Richie’s on a roll tonight.

“Now this was a few years ago. Though it never fails, it happens every year around this time of year. I told Bev and her husband Ben about it, and it spread around our friends like a fire. Twelve months later and I get a call from Stan saying he heard No Scrubs and thought of me. Bill mentioned in an interview that he sent me, Mike sent me a fossil of a video that he recorded of me singing it. Every time, this innate need to bother Eddie takes over,” Richie motions back as if his husband is right behind him.

“After these bouts pass and I’m just a normal asshole again, he’ll remind me of one key detail. We’ll be in bed, watching some terrible Hallmark movie in easy silence. Every single time, he looks at me and goes, ‘You know I make three time what you make. You’re the scrub, you dick,”

“And he’s absolutely correct. Eddie could run circles around me in every way. He’s a super brainiac, goes to the gym, volunteers during the holidays and donates to every charity known to man. Eddie Kaspbrak is the reason I believe there are good humans on this earth, and good people in my life. I am even less than a scrub compared to that walking angel. The fact that he puts up with my No Scrubs shit too? Fuckin saint if you ask me.”

-

That night, Richie is exactly where he wants to be. In bed next to his wonderful husband and near falling asleep. He’s got his face in Eddie’s neck and his arms wrapped around him as if he was meant to hold him forever. By the ever so faint glow, he can tell Eddie is on his phone. He’d try to see what he’s looking at, but he was perfectly content to let sleep take him.

“You ruined my image. Now people are gonna think I’m nice or something,” Eddie whispers. He has no ounce of anger in his voice. Richie can actually hear the smile in his voice.

“Then the people will get to see you like I see you. A good man who hates his husband.” Richie kisses the side of Eddie’s neck softly. He tightens his grip around him and grows more comfortable. The phone is put away, the lights turned out.

“No hate. I could never hate you, even if you are a scrub.” Eddie shifts so he can actually lay with Richie. They both fall asleep with smiles on their faces.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr (sapphic-tozier) or twitter (kasspbrak) for dumb content


End file.
